Exploring UP journeys among women with psychiatric vulnerability using interpretative phenomenological analysis 167 "And at this point I’m blaming myself a lot more. You know like anybody can make a mistake once, but twice? Now I blame myself a lot. And I blame, you know, my husband." (Participant 8) Participant 3 described the emotions related to the UP as ‘grief coming over me’. This experience was linked to mourning her past life as an individual. "The fear is totally focused on my own life. So, I really had to, really mourn, I thought. I really felt grief coming over me." (Participant 3) Participant 4 also mentioned grief, which she related to the loss of autonomy over her body, as her body was in service of the baby. "I still don’t like being pregnant, I don’t like it. I feel like my body is like, like I keep calling myself like ‘the vessel’. I feel like my body is taking over not just physically but hormonally speaking and mentally. […] Like I miss feeling like me." (Participant 4) For some pregnant women, these emotions resulted in a prolonged state of anxiety or depression. "I just kind of feel resigned and defeated like… It’s over, I give up. You know, stop having dreams. Because something will come along to dash it, so." (Participant 8) Two participants described how the uncertainty of the situation led them to despair. They both felt so desperate that suicidal thoughts arose. Participant 1 felt like she was going crazy because pregnancy was something she absolutely did not want. "I went to my doctor and then I said: I don't want to have a baby. I am going to get crazy. I'm going to kill myself because I don't want this. This cannot be happening." (Participant 5) Participant 3 shared this view. She (at first) wanted to get rid of the pregnancy; she felt a strong urge to terminate the pregnancy. "It was just a low point. I just wanted to get rid of it [pregnancy]. Besides being suicidal, I also just thought; get it out. I don't want this anymore." (Participant 3)
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