Exploring UP journeys among women with psychiatric vulnerability using interpretative phenomenological analysis 161 Moreover, participant 2 described becoming pregnant as a passive act, as something that ‘happened’ (participant 2). More participants described the pregnancy as something happening to them, instead of an act in which they were involved. "I was happy at the beginning, or so, because um, well, I've been doubting motherhood my whole life. […] So, I was happy because I thought; it's happening to me. And there's no better opportunity, because then I don't have to decide myself and then it's just very good." (Participant 3) Out of fear of consciously considering motherhood, participants 3 and 7 were happy that the surprise of the UP itself had prevented them from making the decision and planning to have a child. It may be interpreted that making the decision to become a mother was something participant 3 did not want to do herself. From her narrative, it becomes clear that she feared being a mother. This might explain why she was relieved that she did not have to make the decision to have children herself. "Yes, real panic. I dreamed, had nightmares about that list of things to get, and, and about breastfeeding not working out, and also about, yeah, not being fun at all, maybe as a mother or something. Those kinds of fears." (Participant 3) Participant 7 echoed this experience by commenting that she did not want to make the decision to become a mother unless she was absolutely sure she would be a good mother. The UP had cleared the road for her on that account, as now she did not have to take on the responsibility of deciding. "I think otherwise, maybe I would have thought that I always thought I have to be very sure that I'll be a good mother. And as long as I'm not very sure about that, I don't want it. And now. [it's already here...]" (Participant 7). For two women, the pregnancy was not only mistimed but also unwanted. These women did not wish to become pregnant sooner or at any time. For participant 8, the pregnancy felt like a personal punishment from God for not being careful enough. She described that she felt a need to take responsibility for it herself and bear the consequences by herself. "I had to just go through with it and that’s you know, my cross to bear and it’s my fault because I wasn’t careful enough. And yeah, that just you know, God punishing me." (Participant 8)
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