Chapter 7 160 Participant 5 explained how she assumed that due to her age, she would have difficulty conceiving. This led her to not use contraceptives and increased her risk of pregnancy. "I was thinking because I also have a lot of friends and cousins, they are trying to have babies, like they are around 37, 38, and they cannot have, right. And then I was like, okay, now I'm 39, I will not have a baby. And then I stop being careful, that's what happened." (Participant 5) Not sure of my intentions The pregnancy intentions of several participants were ambivalent. This was illustrated by contradictory behavior toward preventing a pregnancy. Participant 2 and her partner both illustrated the ambivalence that she felt toward motherhood. She used folic acid but at the same time tried to prevent pregnancy. "Yes, but when I think about it, it felt very surreal at the time as well, also because you think; I'm getting off that birth control, and we have those conversations, but it actually feels like it's not necessary because you think it's not going to happen or something." (Participant 2) Then, her partner added: "But I did laugh, you know, because we've often told people that it wasn't entirely planned. And then you said you were already taking folic acid, and people were really looking at us like: how can those two things coexist?" (Partner participant 2) Participant 2 further commented that her pregnancy also caused relief. Now that she had conceived, she was positively fertile. Thus, the pregnancy had significance, as it prevented her from having to deal with the uncertainty of not conceiving in the future and/or dealing with the disappointment of not conceiving at the desired time. "I'm also glad that it happened suddenly, indeed, because if I start thinking about actively stopping, you know, or actively trying, that also brings a lot of fear and tension. Because then you'll be disappointed every time. And each time you'll think, 'Oh, it's not happening." (Participant 2) Although her pregnancy caused anxiety, she would have felt disappointed if she could not become pregnant right away. She explained that her fear of becoming a mother contributed to her ambivalence toward this decision.
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