Chapter 6 132 Shadow of the present In the Narrative Framework29, (socioeconomic) status and personal perceptions bridged the gap between the shadow of the past and the shadow of the future. While socioeconomic factors such as financial considerations or the availability of a (suitable) partner contributed to the decision-making process of the participants, personal perceptions of their psychiatric disorder(s) were pertinent. This led to the extension of the framework with a novel theme: the shadow of the present. This theme incorporates categories relevant to our sample, including awareness of psychiatric disorder(s) and psychiatric stability, which were previously unaddressed in empirical models of family planning (Table 6.6). Table 6.6 - Quotations belonging to the theme shadow of the present. Awareness of psychiatric disorder(s) 70 years, two sons, experienced an unintended pregnancy: “I had children at a time when I wasn't very aware of my psychiatric disorders. But I always knew that I was different.” 47 years, two sons: “I had myself diagnosed [with autism], and that immediately explained a whole lot, why things were always so challenging, including motherhood, which was a bit more difficult for me than for most parents of my children's friends.” Emotions toward psychiatric stability 61 years, one daughter: “I developed a psychosis at the age of eighteen and yet I dared to get pregnant around the age of thirty. I thought, I can handle this.” 40 years, no children: “I've always known no children for me because then the whole mess [depression] would repeat itself, I'm not going to do that.” Perceptions on desire for children 70 years, two sons, experienced an unintended pregnancy: “The fact that [name son] was born, was in my case, a conscious choice. (Interviewer: but did you have doubts about the decision?). I had some doubts; I did not actually know what I wanted [laughing]. I did not even know what I wanted to do with my life.” 62 years, no children, experienced an unintended pregnancy: “Maybe that's why I can't come to terms with it [unintended pregnancy] emotionally. It's a lot. Just traumatized.” Status 40 years, no children: “I have had a very stable partner for about four years now, and now I sometimes think a bit [of wanting a child], but I am forty, so…” This table shows quotations belonging to the theme shadow of the present, grouped by the categories: awareness of psychiatric disorder(s), emotions toward psychiatric stability, perceptions on the desire for children, and status Awareness of psychiatric disorder(s) Awareness of psychiatric disorder(s) at the time of the decision was a recurrent theme among participants with children. Some participants mentioned the impact of not being aware of their psychiatric disorder at the time of the decision, indicating that they would have made different choices if they had been aware of the diagnosis earlier. For some of the participants, the diagnosis was liberating, explaining the challenges of motherhood.
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